Birthday blessings

A special birthday dessert...it's probably made of rice

It was early evening and I had just arrived back at my host family after a long day of traveling. I expected a quiet night, nothing special, but found myself attending what I thought was a rather peculiar birthday party. It was the birthday of my host mom’s daughter, so naturally we would have a small get together. The thing is…the birthday girl was not in attendance. Nor was it expected that she would be. She lives and works in Cambodia and had not been back to the Philippines for at least a year. We didn't skype her, or put her on the phone for everyone to greet, we merely had a birthday celebration in her honor.

Birthdays are an interesting occurrence here in the Philippines. The typical Pinoy birthday party is composed of pancit (stir fried noodles) or spaghetti (which according to tradition, brings long life), soft drinks, and birthday cake. A full meal, lechon, or other snacks can be added depending on the number of guests expected and how much money the celebrant has available at the time. The birthday celebrant is responsible for all costs associated with the party and gifts are not expected. Birthdays are seen as a time for Filipinos to share their blessings with family, friends, & neighbors. People try to save their money for a month or so in order to afford at least a small salo-salo, complete with special birthday treats.

I thought I knew how to sing “Happy Birthday,” but I realized there was a new and improved Pinoy edition (still English). Here’s how it goes:

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to you!

It completely eliminates that awkward moment when you don’t know the birthday celebrant’s name, or everyone says a different name/nickname (i.e. John, Johnny, Jonathon). It works quite well here, especially when I get invited to a random bday party, I can still sing along with no fears of messing up the song. And for multiple birthdays, you only have to sing once :)

In the case of my absentee host sister, I came to understand that this small birthday party was a way for her to share her blessings with family back home. Working abroad, she probably sent some money to cover the cost so that her mother could prepare food for everyone to enjoy. I spoke with my counterpart about this event, and she confirmed that it’s quite common. She also told me that some people have birthday parties for family members even after they die! Interesting, di ba (right)?

Family ties

The Trimors, so beautifully depicted here, represent my former perception of “family”

– a father, mother, & children

PHOTO CREDITS: Victoria Carberry, PCV

"Naklimutan ko (I forget), how are you related to Justin?"
After ten minutes of winding explanations...
"So…Justin's father is your cousin’s daughter’s sister-in-law’s son?"
"Hu-od (yes)"
"Oh wow, okay. So Justin's father works in the U.S. How about his mother?"
"She lives and works in the city."
"Ahh, malapit na! (very near!). So she must come and visit Justin often, right?"
"Ahh, no. Not really."

Justin lives with his "grandmother," who isn't actually his biological grandmother (a distant relative at best), but for all practical purposes, she is his grandma and primary care-giver. His father is an OFW, a term you’ll see plastered all over customs in Manila. Overseas Filipino Workers are extremely common here in the Philippines. Everyone you meet here is sure to know someone who is currently working abroad or has worked abroad in the past. Now I’m fixing to get off topic…back to Justin.

I meet so many children here like Justin with strikingly similar family situations, and I just can’t imagine what life must be like for them. To grow up without a mother or father, yet both your parents are still alive and you never get to see them. Unfair, right? I often wonder what kind of impact it has on a child to be abandoned by his mother or father. With Justin, my sympathy only extends so far because then I start to think of Justin’s assets, and like many Filipinos, he is surely rich in social capital. He has many friends here, all of the neighbors know him by name, and he is surrounded by loving relatives. He visits his uncles, aunts, and cousins often, as they live right down the street, and despite his father living 10,000 miles away, he still has positive male role models just around the corner.

Growing up, I had quite the traditional childhood experience, living with both of my parents and two full-blood siblings. All my cousins grew up the same way, with both parents in the house from birth till present. Back then, I never thought twice about how else a family could look…about single-parents, migrant workers, abandoned children, or being raised by a distant relative, like Justin’s "grandmother." Although broken families have become more and more common, especially here in the Philippines, I think there’s still hope for these children. Social capital is key; having strong communities with neighbors and relatives forming tight bonds can help fill the void of a distant father or an absent mother. 

A very wise friend once told me, you don’t have to define your family by blood…closeness and affection are enough to justify family ties.